It’s the 25th of December, at least I hope it is. The publish date on this website’s backend uses UTC+0. I’m not sure what that is and I don’t care enough to understand what it is, but at the time of writing it’s a day ahead of me at 8:04am.
I’ve never celebrated Christmas before, but this year I’ll keep the tradition of listening to “Last Christmas by Wham!” and possibly finish a book in it’s entirety at an ice permeated park. Something, anything that’ll make the day a bit different than how I’d normally go about. Maybe I’ll pick up a physical copy of Invaders of the Rokujouma. I plan on writing about that series when I finish the last 36 volumes. Not sure if I’ll analyze the series or use the book as a catalyst for a more personal entry, but after making my final project of the year, I don’t feel the need to ramble.
On that note:
I wanted to try out something I’ve seen floating around on the internet, something called a denpavlog. From what I’ve surmised from the few months of watching them, it’s basically abnormal people speaking about whatever topic comes to mind. It’s something I’d put on in the background while I do something else. And then a thought came into my mind. I am an untouchable man. I am a withdrawn man. I’m am an abnormal man. Maybe I should try rambling in front of a camera too.
Before you watch the video, I think it’s important to know:
- I do not know how to make videos, nor have I ever vlogged.
- My methods of speech are… messy to say the least. I am the most scatterbrained person when given the chance to speak.
- I am not particularly creative, nor do I really understand myself.
I apologize in advance if you are watching with the intent of being entertained or intellectually stimulated. In editing the video, I’ve come to realize that I am not good at spontaneous and productive thought. Writing my thoughts out in this manner will always be the superior mode of expression. Writing a script would do myself a lot of favors, but I just spent the last few days of my precious December to record and edit it. My opinions on the end product has changed multiple times during the editing of the video, but I’ll let you decide if it’s worth the time.
I realize I don’t know as many things as I’d like nor do I have a strong philosophy on society and the world. Hopefully all of the philosophical reading will birth in me a fire that’s never been kindled. I’ve been considered smart since I was a child, but I’m sure absolutely everyone can tell that exact same story. The adults who once showered me in deceitful praises are no longer in my measurable distance, so I suppose the only person I can prove it to is myself. Although, how much is my own acceptance worth?
I’m saying goodbye to this lifestyle, farewell to this city. It’s likely not as big of a deal as I make it out to be, but the prospect of slaving away for years to pay off a student debt is deplorable. The alternative is to work full time and study full time, which is absolutely doable. You’d need a pretty well planned out schedule to pull it off. Make sure you get enough sleep, make sure you have proper studying periods, and make sure to eat good and keep your mind fresh so you can still pass your finals right after you clock out from a 2am shift.
It’s in the realms of possibility, but you’d emerge a shell of your former self.
In about a week or so, I will be leaving to another city, away from everything familiar. Starting over. I won’t be alone; I’m armed with the latest releases from NekoNyan, my MAL backlog, every single GWAVE release, and the mountain of books I’ve since added to “want-to-read”, fully knowing that some of them are in foreign languages. I’m not one to give out vivid personal detail on a relatively public website (pray tell, reader, how did you find this page?), but I will note that I am learning a foreign language with a new job at the start of next year.
It’s an interesting prospect and I’d take whatever I can. I know it sounds a bit childish, but this way I can say “am completely alone” and have it be unequivocally true. An interesting life, still true to the ideals. More than a persona built on the fear of respect. A natural evolution, if you will.
The warmth from Rihoko reaches me through the vents of my laptop.
Looks like I failed the Amagami Challenge again.
Ad infinitum.
BGM: Camellia feat. Nanahira – But I’m Not Interested In Christmas At All
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